There's a longing
“I always end up having to surrender to the fact that, first of all, I have no idea. And there’s a longing—a longing I was actually moving in service of.”
—Alexis Pauline Gumbs in dialogue with Crystal Wilkinson at “Then You Don’t Want Me”: Canonizing Gayl Jones (May 14, 2022)
What a month, what a year, what a lifetime. But also, what a week.
Originally, I thought I’d send my first newsletter about “Then You Don’t Want Me”: Canonizing Gayl Jones, the symposium that I lovingly co-organized with my co-conspirators, Tala Khanmalek and Kianna Middleton. Or, about the AfterAffects: New Methods in Affect Theory symposium where I got to present alongside my comrades, Vivian Huang, Seulghee Lee, and Amber Musser. I also hoped I would have the chance to send you links to my forthcoming articles.
Instead…
I’m hiring a lawyer for the first time to protect myself from sudden harassment and retaliation. I’m scheduled for “breast” imaging because my doctor found a lump during a routine physical. I hurt a new friend accidentally when I thought I was being caring and careful. I ran into a lost friend who previously changed the trajectory of my life—and we did not reunite. I cried myself to sleep. And even more that I cannot say here.
A lot of things have been hard and for a long time. But, last night I had a video call with a friend. They described their new projects in devastatingly beautiful and inspiring detail; I drank a chardonnay called Golden and daydreamed aloud in reply. Our conversation left me with the revelation that I’ve been standing in the corner of my life that faces my despairs when, right over my shoulder, there are delights and inspirations raging and moshing and waiting for me to join the fray.
This first message goes out to Teddy Pozo for making me turn my head to face joy. And to Alexis Pauline Gumbs for putting into words the feeling that there is a propulsion I had best surrender to. And, finally, this goes out to all of you. Thanks for witnessing me here and for acting on your own joys. Tell me what they are. Help me keep facing in the direction of desire. Help me skin my knees.
Til next time,
ianna.
PS: You should listen to “Sorry You’re Sick” by Ted Hawkins. (You probably can’t mosh to this but I can’t help what I love today).